hi,
she cant be more right. i dont even know what i want. first, i squeezed myself into an holy institution and then all i did was praying hard everyday that knowledge would shine through me. apparently nope, the light missed my pea brain. so much so for the entire 2 years, it seemed to cost my whole life a total waste. she asked me what makes me so sure that i can cope with u when i cant in pre-u. she cant be more right, i dont even know what i am able to do anymore.
because the course costs a bomb. it is a bomb. maybe not to you. but yes, for my family. first year may be still alright. what about the second or the third? she said it will be a joke if i cant complete the course due to finanical problem which is already in existence and expected. who and what will i be then? no where to go, again.
she cant be more right. i know it is hollow at the bottom, yet i am choosing to step on the thin plank. i am always thinking i weigh light and am capable. a weight still weighs. and a weight can be a burden, anytime.
she is right... i agree... but why cant she phrase her words... in just another way.
it hitted me so hard that i could hear myself cracking inside.
i have lost count of how many wrong decisions i have made. just like months ago, i told you out of the sudden that i regretted alot on stuffs i chose to give up on. now is all about, all i have not done, and also did. and now, i can only tell all, to myself.
last night, i slammed myself onto the bed and hid into the blankets. shaking with hot tears. i could only hug myself but couldnt calm myself down. where are you... i nearly bit my tongue so hard that it bled, i wanted to silent my crys but i ended up being louder than ever. no one dared to open up the blankets, the family must have thought it is a stranger hiding inside.
i reached out for my bag and popped in the remaining panadols dry.
woke up looking like a dead goldfish.
today, i continue to hide behind my oversized sunglasses and put on the diamond ring, apparently oversized too. the ring shines like your smile, just like how you never fail to brighten my days. but now, i realise how your smile and everything does not belong to me anymore.
i stink.