The Spinster's

hihi bobo,

im currently taking a little break from work. my eyes are very very very tired. but still, im planning to work for a few hours more... there are alot to be done. and also, the always favourited month is coming to an end, i want to clock up more hours to grab more money. not forgetting, i want to sleep well tonight.

i have been falling asleep everywhere except my bed. i realise it feels stupid when you receive messages from long lost/long never see nor hear friends saying they had seen you somewhere somewhere somewhere on some transport... but you were sleeping, so they didnt go forward to say hi. you will start trying very hard to recall... but yea, your mind blanks out. i just pray real hard that i didnt drool at that moment.

today morning, i felt extremely nausea after my train ride. (which i overslept and missed my station. bobo!!!) and yes, i recall faint images wobbling left and right during the journey. my head must have been falling everywhere then. sigh.

dont you know? most of us dont realise we have fallen asleep, till we wake up.

thats for me.

and i realise, i sleep much better with someone looking over me.

maybe that is why we cant fall alseep in the lonely night.

isnt it a night i should be most satisfied with?

i get to see, hear... feel.

yes, in fact i really am. so much so that i couldnt say anything more.

can i receive all the same things from you every year...

i wish i died that moment. in your arms.

but everyone has moved on.

today is quite a day!

was in a house with a cat which the dopiest cindy didnt even know when it entered. anyway, the cat is quite a responsible one, it let out an eerie meow before coming down the stairs where i was sitting at the end. i cant imagine the scene if it just appear next to me... damn...it...

oh yea. it took me a while before i responded and hopped onto the sofa. totally s l o o o o o w . . .

cindy taught me twinkle twinkle little stars on the piano. bwahaha.

washed and stepped empty drink cans flat for cindy's contribution. it is really quite an experience kae. at the end of it, all the girls were perspiring like dont know what... but i still think it is fun... haha! and your mum's shoes will most probably make the best tool~

attended my first practice. lets just say... i miss miss chan.

hmm... i didnt touch the drumset.

(:

you know i dont shriek when i see a cat. i just blabber and squeeze on something really tight.

anything.

----<@

you said good morning.

and it keeps ringing in my head.

-

oh yes. my pea brain remembers some random stuffs!!!

- is it me or is the time really flying? days in the month of May pass really fast. oh my my. what have i done... i dont remember. that is how bad things are.

i have blew more chances than all i could ever had.

- shucks... i forgot another one i wanted to tell! o.O~

- it is/was friday. and now, weekend. i dont feel a thing.

- i think 'Best Friends' jewellery is really cute. 'Best Friends Forever' are even sweeter! not just because it is threesome, and the more the merrier, but you know there are a few angels living in your world who worth your heartful of appreciation.

- *points to a board reads SALE* throw myself into the shop, 'neh neh want to buy something lehhh~~~' i have lost financial consciousness... but spending hypes me up :D

- i ought to stop making funny noises whenever i pass that particular passage at citylink mall where jack sparrow lies. ooo... jack sparrow~~~<3 (psst, but i heard from boon that the movie is only rated one star in... some rating channel. hmm... aaaaw =/)

- editting webpages can cause cross-eyes. mind you, it will most probably be a permanent damage. so please, kan kai yi dian! (reminds to self.)

- no matter what, i am still looking forward to sunday.

i have grown to become so independent. once again.

i cant believe i am actually feeling this way. again.

--^--<@

my eyelids weigh tons!

eyes closing closing... closing...

-

i love being random.

- i dreamt of a plane crush. (only told chongchong about it.) before the very moment, i was still as silly to suggest holding hands and praying to make us feel better. cindy and i were still as rubbish to keep mumbling 'oh... oh... we are going to die. experience death... what will happen hur? pain? can we just die immediately?' just at the impact of the crush, i woke up.

yeah. and i wonder what kind of thoughts/images will flood my mind at the point of time life/death.

can i hold on to the hands of people i love most?

- i neeeeeed to watchhhhhh PIRATES!

yeah, i managed to watch the previous parts after much efforts.

jack sparrow~~~<3 same goes to johnny depp! he is my edward scissorhands too! ohman... my first favourite movie. i really want to watch that movie again... shall search for it!

- i had alot of random thoughts... damnit... ... ... i really cant remember.

nobody can handle the way i cry.
neither can i.

i look withered.

-----<@

"you are such a great disappointment..."

in cold hard words.

but whats worse was that i heard it in her voice...

sadly, i realise people splat their hearts out and say the truest words when angered. they really mean what they have said... how silly, how can i forget? how can anyone forget?

i could not sleep last night. perhaps i should continue to strain my physical self. i used to run my usual path in the neighbourhood within 2 japanese and 2 chinese songs. now, i just need 3 chinese and 1/2 japanese songs to complete my routine. i shall stretch myself further... to sleep well.

-

good news. i found joy and love in my job once again. it feels great to be occupied.

say HI to my new husband - dream weaver

because of him, i have made obscene noises of random whines, loud pokings on keyboard and accidental slammings of the mouse. how exciting.

but still, he makes me feel worth of my presence in the company. thankyou(:

-

i decided to do myself a favour. i am going to push away all the fears and uncertainties within myself, and go back to the band, start afresh and learn all over again. i want to experience again. i hope i will go all the way till the end this time. yes, i really hope so.

see me on stage.

---<@

my nose is frozen and it is gonna fall off!

biggg fattt noseee!!!

but being nose-less is worse. ok, shall stop rubbing violently... dip it in hot water! i hope it helps. hmm... is it going to expand in hot water? hmm... i think i should worry about being nose-less.

HAHA! random!

*stickstongueout*

have you forgotten about the girl who never fails to squeeze her nose and let out a little squeak whenever she sneeze?

she is still the same. she is still her.

-

玫瑰生日 (<--wahaha. sound duper corny!)

the angbao, presents, messages, cards, 'happy birthday's, hugs, handshakes, photos, cakes, birthday songs! whats more whats more? because they are all from beautiful people of my life! thank you so much(:

especially to cindy, huichong and huiwen! the 3 girls who can make me laugh so randomly on streets :D always there to nua and spend time with. hoo hoo hoo~~~ wo zhen de hen ai ni men!

(oh yes, i realise the way i blog is becoming really twit! haha!)

the day i graduated from OSCHOOL too. yeah, though it is only introductory hiphop. but more to come! *throws money around dance studio* oh, did i miss out something? the certificate is pretty with my birthday '22-May-07' printed on it. aaaaw~

of cos, there isnt anything like a perfect day. i am glad that the day feels light enough to make me jump on my feet as i walk.

i want a happy family(:

that is one of the wishes. i have to confess that i really have alot of big fat wishes this year! wahahakaka~

-

you know what i wanted to write about. but i decide to give it a miss this time round.

v(n.n)v

----<@ 玫瑰

*wave goodbye* to eighteen years old flower.

fly me some kisses if you are far away.

but if only you are near enough, let me rest on your shoulder and whisper into my ear 'happy birthday, jiamin, 19 will be a good year for you...'

i am glad that i did not die as an eighteen years old flower. i survived through another year! my parents are nearer of getting fed by me, which i promise i will ensure a more than decent retirement life for them(:

but for now... at 19, i shall announce that...

...

我是一朵美丽(没力)的玫瑰花~

shall lead my 19の玫瑰花life... (: like how all the alotalotalot more than appreciated birthday wishes i have received. every single word really warms my heart<3

-

i read back to recall a little of my previous birthdays, which actually i dont even need to do so. the heart is always here to tell me all.

birthday is always happy. the date alone cheers me up alot. i have no idea why, but to me, 22may looks good, sounds good, feels good, and im sure if it is something edible, it will smell and taste good! simply, 22may spells happy(:

family will always blow candles with me, despite after a total of 100+ being blown, but just because i am the youngest, i am being doted in this way. i love them and their surprises(: though always end me up in tears no matter how pekchek/pissed/duper upset i was feeling previously.

i feel that this year may be a little different. there may not be a cake but i am sure the warmth will still be there, like always(:

also, during my 16, 17, 18... i have grown up with someone. experienced alot, learnt alot, laughed alot alot alot. someone who is perfect for me in whichever way, just like how my head tilts a little and will then rest perfectly well on his shoulder.

thank you(:

your words still meant alot, like always.

-

today is really just another day(:

----<@ 玫瑰花

blog excessive!!!

yea bobo, when you have nothing better to do other than watching time crawls, i can only type here and read over and over again what i have typed. thats total self amusement.

ah... i remember some stupid jokes.

yeah. if you are a pimp, i can give you some good advertising lines. get two of your girls and name them 'dim' and 'sum', then teach them this:

-press on door bell-
dim: hello, i am dim~
sum: hi, and i am sum~
dim+sum: have you ordered any dim sum?

-from colleague.

wahahaha~ cheap thrills. i find it totally hilarious when she said it over at lunch, i choked on my food. hahaha~

-

if he is not a gangster... he must be a friendster!!!

-someone's msn personal message, cant remember whose.

wahaha~~~ made me laugh real hard.

-

yea. and on some rare occasion, i like to look different...

and i can really look very kiam pa in that, pushing up the specs, doing the rocker hand sign \m/ and say "wu yue tian rocks!"

heh. just imagine :b i have already gotten beaten by the very strong huiwen twice! though i truly meant what i have said, from the bottom of my heart!

12 days to the concert. JUMP!

alrighty. random lines, my mind works like that.

-NEXT is a horrible movie, please do not watch. it is as bad as a confirm F graded composition which ends with "Luckily, it was just a dream.

- i realise when you keep your head straight and eyeballs looking upwards, you wouldnt know you are crying till you feel tears flowing down your cheeks.

- internet bores me out after 5 minutes. i find virtual world a little dull, same goes to the real.

- i sleep every night, wishing that i will wake up on another bed, seeing someone on the floor next to the bed, hearing the snores. please, 2 whole years ago.

- time for me to learn to drive.

dopiest.

babies! i am back to blogblogblog(:

it is true that not many know bot-tledup. i had my way to lead you, and no one else, to here.

i cant explain myself anymore.

-

goodness. today is the start of yet another week. hmm... monday... hmm... i dont feel anything.

last week had been a week of runaway. i escaped from work for days... partly due to my painful neck. i am glad that it is okay already *indian head moves* =b

stiff neck - you cant laugh, you cant lie down to rest, you cant get up from bed, you cant bend your head down to eat, you cant turn to see who the hell talked behind your back, cos all hurt badly.
stiff neck - you will look rude/in foul mood cos you keep looking at people from the sides of ur eyes. that was to save the trouble of making a painful turn but people dont understand. but more likely, you just look retarded, and very retarded.

but at least now, i have learnt how to handle a stiff neck! yea, next time when your neck hurts, ask me ask me ask me!!! :D

the previous few weeks, i had made myself so busy. apparently, i guess i am tired of making myself seems busy. i give up and start floating around the house.

i am looking for other jobs...(meaning i dont want to feel useless doing this current one, i need to be more occupied with.)

i need a psychiatrist.

today is the last day i can die as an eighteen years old flower.

oooh myyy goodnesssss.

the 5 days routine is coming again. please let me be awfully occupied by everything/anything.

i have hell lot of emo stuffs but yeah, whats up with those. (shall secretly bottled them up within myself! bwahaha, tts like ultimate emo.) -shakes head- lets be bright and look forward to everything coming in life. -silly grin- :D

though things will be terribly hard, i just have to try horribly hard this time round then.

went over to my grandma house for a little mother's day celebration. gonggong took my right hand to have a closer look. he said i will have an easy life. i seriously hope so and i will never doubt that, if their loves for me continue(: on and on, on and on~~~ oh ya, and a new face joined this little happy occassion, sis's bf! he is nice and yeah, her smile speaks all.

give me a little more time.

on this perfect night, no one is there. not even present in the virtual world.

i want to tell you so badly, how much i have cried for you again. i have forgotten how many times i have to run to the damn toilet, pretending i am going pee/shit. but, i chose to shower. and yes, i wasted a lot of water in many rounds of that today. i have no idea what got into me.

and everytime i poured out, i felt better. but just like how water evaporates and forms clouds again, it just keeps pouring down afterwards, the cycle continues.

i just needa get outta house and be with some bobo. cindy, i should have gone to your house to spend some time with. i need help seriously.

birthday is coming and im dreading it.

i am feeling really quite sick.

decided to take an off day from work yesterday since there isnt (any) work at the office waiting for me. it is quite a good/bad decision. i planned my day, but not really exactly well planned.

queued up for muffins for the start of the day. they were for those i was going to meet later. but none for myself...

then met up with bobo for a movie. hmph =/ never watch a movie without really knowing what is it man. 28 weeks later. goodness, i should have taken that M18 rating seriously. i have such a hard time using my hands to cover part of the screen and ears from time to time. well well, at least the bob beside me remained calm. i cant imagine if the both of us freaked out.

i am sure that if your damned boyfriend ever return, he shouldnt be interested in the pasta, but your neck! -from movie
bobo+me: aaawww~~~ tioooooo~~~ omfg. (O.O!!!)

i regretted telling fellow bobos about the movie in the night. because the images kept flashing in my mind. do me a favour, please dont remind me any part of the movie anymore. oh my, got to admit that i have a disturbed sleep last night. that makes me feel sick.

lol~ it is just a movie! it wasnt that bad the previous few times, maybe just because i dont talked about them after watching. so thats the way man. bleh...

met my 3 beloved bobos for WII(: i love wii, wii loves me.
sorry that i neglected my lover, which is played by the 3 bobos throughout the night. not sure why i am feeling so lethargic but i was already lying at one corner at near 12midnight. maybe with all the more than messy thoughts in the mind. shrugsss...

i finally saw her after days. she is still so bright, so missed. but she said my face looks thinner(: we did not talk much as i was starting to give all the uncertain answers. i failed to tell her anything. i gave her the gift, and for the moment, i really thought of writing your name together with mine in the card. but yes, i did not.

can you at least tell me how does the muffin taste?

it is yet another crazy night.

came home after voluntary, feeling really lousy. i failed to help the kids. i did not explain well enough to them.

i cant even correct them on their personal thinking towards certain stuffs in life, which i view far more important than their academy work. i listened, thought through and tried talking, but i couldnt outspoke so many of them.
i gave up.

i did not give a reason. i looked away. i avoided. i rejected. i tried letting go. i tried forgetting.
i gave up.

i really did wanted.

ittt hasss beennn annn occupieddd weekkk!!!
and im lovin' it~

excessive dancing and laughing on tuesday night results in a messy bobo the next day. rolled on my bed and tugged tightly to my baobaos while mamui continued to nag. finally got outta of house and i was attacked by winds blowing in every direction, which dried and messed my hair. alrighty, i was stucked with messy hair on my sleepyhead for the whole day.

wednesday is a cheap movie day. i love it kae(: so yep, movied with bobo. had one of the longest dinner i ever ate, considering i was really continuously dropping food into my stomach, i ate for an hour. perhaps that is the cure for a not-so-good appetite. but, i like fried tofu with sawdust~ thankyouverymuch.

spiderman3 was great. for me for me for me! i like~ not sure why others gave it low ratings. but yea, at least i know the couple sitted beside me had already watched it more than once. they had so much fun laughing at what they know will happen next. lol! i found them quite amusing as they had to giggle under their breath. bet they were squeezing hard on each other xD back to the movie! i find Harry really quite a charm! and spiderman is so self obsessed which is really a true portrayal of life. fame blinds all. and and and... venom is quite cool, with the self engulfing idea when you are filled with revengeful and evil thoughts.

i was truly entertained throughout the whole night. at least mind wasnt wandering and thoughts were put off for the moment.

in fact, i think i am feeling more than happy(: with bobo.

as for today...
9.27am - switch on the comp
*random clickings on mouse*
9.39am - (silent mode) screams BORINGGG!

well well. tonight i am going to head down to the centre to do some voluntary work again. it feels good to be able to help.

everyone needs help. even...

i walked past a cat that night. it was so near, so close. my heart shook a little but i still moved my legs, brushed by it. i wished so hard for a familar hand to squeeze onto, but you will never be there.

no one knows how much i fear.

you don't, you just don't...

what more can i say? i am all emptied out.

-

had my weekly jap lesson with bobo on monday. as usual, sensei is still laughing to himself as he teaches and the 2 bobos continue to nudge each other and vibrate in our seats to control our laughters. but yea, this time round, there is this bobo who joined the new class, he laughs through his nose. i am glad for his presence, sensei is no longer self amusing. xD

oh baby! it was a crazy night at oschool yesterday(: warmups were especially long and torturous as ryan kept pushing me to stretch more. yeah, fellow bobos please do not feel green~ i do not like to be the center of attention, especially when i am sucha stick-woman. cant bend cant bend! =/// but still, dancing is so so so so so enjoyable \m/ anyway, favourite line of the day: jiamin can dance SOOO well~~~
*evil laughters* fellow oschool bobos will understand *wink*

have been walking home from the interchange ever since that night. i find peace with the empty dark sky. down the path, i remember how i always managed to pour out my emotions and dry my tears to ensure i would look more than okay when i stepped into the house.

i know i can never close my eyes again, because you will never pull me back into your arms, so close to your chest, ever again.

i went for a haircut. he snipped off my awful ends and tails.

jiaminjiamin

life is going to be so much better~

so much so that i can smell freshness in the air! the heart does feel a little lighter as the mind gets clearer.

i am not putting up a strong front, though i have a very strong tendency to, but just not this time. when everything just gets way too bad, there is no use to even put up this defensive image, it will just tired you out further. the only way is ; to get over it.

i was on my desperate end and told a silly bobo last night, what if i cant get over him? my whole life is going to be so gone case. yea, i didnt say that based on nothing. the fact is, i have never forgotten or given up on him before after much heart wrenching fruitless tries.

then, a few hours into the late night. something dawned onto me. maybe i just have to thank you for your acts and your words, though unspoken, i understand them and you, they made things much easier for me. i am moving forward.

for the moment, i felt being squashed so badly inside. yea and then i started to do something crazy... which i am supposed to do long ago. yea, now they are all gone.

my tears dont even mean a thing to you. even a kid who barely knows the truth of life came to offer me a hug. who are you?

everyone loves to love you. so, just count me out.

i am okay being alone. (BUT FRIENDS DONT LEAVE ME KAE!!! wuu wuu wuu uuu~ =b) at least i know the next one coming into my life, will be much appreciated. i will still provide best for him, rush down to wherever he is when he needs me, stuff him with rubbish food, take care of his disability if hes ever injured, beat him up like no tomorrow in a massage session.

on a happier note, my face is getting less round x)

cheers.

give me a little more time,
i will forget about you.

-

have been busy trying to make myself busy(:

work has been quite fulfilling recently, which just simply means i really have something to work on! no matter it is editting text, cropping pictures or entering datas... yep, i am more than willing to do more of those, rather than staring into the computer screen ; b o r i n g ~ ~ ~

have been like a crazy bobo trying to get bobos to go out with.

stayed over at bobo's house for crazy Wii session. goodness! it was really crazy~ the amazing technology scared me quite a little though. i was perspiring while boxing bobo and bobo up! and it was extremely funny to take a step back and watch bobos playing retarded games. yea, i could not rest, it was so laughter inducing, laughing so hard that i could feel my stomach being squashed up. Wii Wii Wii, i love you! but yea, the aftermath was lotsaaa muscle achesss~~~

went for a little retail therapy with (the now 19 years old) bobo on saturday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CALISTA! 0=) we shall shine through The Lost World =b yea, the bobo was very cute, at the end of the day she told me, "now i know why you are left with no money at the end of the month." oh yes, so true. wahahaha. but yea, buying things helped me to feel a little better. haha. what a bobo excuse!

but it is nothing compared to the company i have gotten from my friends these few days(:

i finally had a morning breakfast out with My family on sunday. oh my my. whens the last time we went out together in the early morning?! it was really early and we had dim sum. ate and talked. my brother and i started to act really silly again. haha, but he won. i got tired and fell asleep on the table =b

later in the noon, went to a poor bobo's house to watch vcds. we gotta accompany each other. and yea, so sorry but got to admit that... the main purpose was to get someone by my side to watch the charity show with me. wahakaka~ i was exposed when she asked me since when you so enthu about watching this kind of show?

it is time to learn to be a better daughter and friend.

i am very guilty for being so held up in my own world... trying very hard to get what i want. trying way too hard i supposed. somethings are never meant to be... i tied the string too tight. i suffocated him and at the same time, made myself so miserable.

when people said that you have changed, dont react negatively... there must be a reason why they said so. finally, after so many that kind of sentences, i took a step back to see who i really am. and yes, i have changed. MY FACE USED TO BE THINNER! MY CHEEKBONES USED TO BE HIGH AND THEY EXISTED! wahaha~~~ nah, i used to be nicer and lovable. but ya, where have all these gone?

find find find... gotta find all these back myself.

but i do find myself losing a little more and more things... unknowingly. like... WHERES MY CUP IN THE OFFICE?! i keep misplacing things... like i thought i was holding on to that min chiam kueh, newspaper, umbrella on (different) that day... then where they disappeared to as i walked? think i dropped them on the streets... people must be thinking i am littering =/ yes, very absent minded.

ohyes. and i slimmed down. appetite is going from bad to worst... and have bad stomache ever since that day. ho ho ho, i sound terribly emo but ya, i am worried for myself too.

so much so... i better take good care of myself.

most of us are blessed with good health, appreciate it.

though i am not, i have choosen to try to handle this myself. when reality fails to meet expectation, disappointment kills. i have got to understand, only family members stay with you by your side through thick and thin. so, lets not risk and pull anyone else with you, when you are going down.

shamelessly, i still cant get over anything.

but yes,

give me a little more time, i will forget about you.

dopiest jiaminjiamin

~~*wuu wuu wuu uuu*~~