The Spinster's

i feel as if im choking on cotton. now, im losing my words. and maybe breath too.

(laughs. emo shit alert~)

well. on a lighter note, or rather much brighter, haa... payday is coming! wooooo~ moolah~~~ but ya, a reminder to myself : please practise financial management and self control.

quite a long time ago

does it feel great to post any picture any where you like? but i cant.

and i dont understand why. though nobody is stopping me.

anyone, tell me that you are doing well and satisfied with your life. i will be so glad for you.
for me, that little hope is much appreciated.

it is not surprising if u suddenly hear a fast quick slip of the mouse, followed by a loud bang on the table with clashing sounds of keyboard keys. well... it just means that i fell asleep. and ya, my head fell from my neck and rolled onto the desk. hey man. there is nothing to do at work.

i yawned horribly awful. haha... and it is getting increasingly difficult to keep my heavy eyelids up. im feeling guilty for getting paid without doing anything. nah, this aint a fake. like who doesnt want to have a good pay easy job thingy? but ya, it is starting to create this emptiness in me and so there goes the reversed effect. time can be made better used of, right?

well another thing. i find it absurb for someone to keep complaining that 'i am so darn bored' to someone else. not to offend the whole lot of the majority. heh. im sure we all commit tt once in a while, right? whine a lil when we have nothing at our hands to worry about. but hey, the key words here are 'keep' 'complaining' and 'someone else'.

like haha~, what can that 'someone else' really suggest for you to do? most likely, u will find a nice soul to complain your 'i am so darn bored' to, so he/she may suggest something constructive for you to do. and then, guess what? your reply will most probably be 'dont want la. so sian.' TADAH~ congrats, u have just made another one (=. =;;;) sian diao~ yea and the 'i am so darn bored' epidemic spreads.

i am not a desired target for your complaints. i am quite sick of hearing those. when im in my normal mood, count yourself lucky, i will just ignore and chat about some topic which will stop u from repeating tt line again. but, if im abnormal and at crazy peak, i dont give a heck about hurting your pathetic emo soul. hell, u just deserved to be bored la. if u know that u cant be left alone doing nothing, then dont let yourself be~ find friends, do something... just do something. or just trying to at least talk about something with those u can contact with, instead of just whining how bored u are. hey, nobody is borned an entertainer for u kae?

grin* :D im still a good companion kae. (i am just annoyed at a situation which i have seen. not my own.) my dear friends are so much welcome to find me when u all have nothing much to do. hohohooo.

january is ending. 1/12 of the year is gone. time is passing really fast hur. quite scary somehow. like how much and how unknowingly, we are losing a lot of things as time passes... fast!

it is no longer about how fast the heart beats,
it is the fact that my heart is still beating,
still longing to be the same pace as you.

just like how much im used to breathe with you.

it is a habit,
which cost a lifetime.

ps. random: i love slogan tees! wak wak wak!

im all alone, cold and aching over all in my seat. i clicked on "December 2004" at your blog. tears kept welling up as i read on. everything seems so familar and yet, not. each and every word brought back countless images and yes, they were still you and me. i am so jealous of the one you kept mentioning... who was actually yours truly in the past. yet i find no connections between the same physical being now and then.

we have changed so much. but what exactly happened?

im so afraid. the colours are running out so badly. in something like this, i really hate black and white, and definitely not grey.

yet i will not mouth a word. somehow, i only wish the best for you.

even if im not the one.

please dont compare me to anyone else.

comparison are meant to be made on the same grounds. even if so, dont blame the fresh apple from rotting... because it has been abandoned with all the rotten ones.

no others has been put through anything like what i have went through...

that is why my response is always that different.

neither do i want it.

nice and sweet. who doesnt want to be so?

it feels really cold today.

i realise i do mean something else most of the time (note: but not all the time) in the way i type. speech wise? most probably not, my mind doesnt work tt fast. in either way, i am never harsh in the words i use.

i realise something else too. two individuals with very similar characters can only either be really best buddies or awful enemies. it is very true. have seen so many examples around. think about it, it makes hell lot of sense. because of the similarities, you will find you both keep bumping into each other, good/bad. if it hitted on the correct spot, you two will click and things will light up. it is always good to have someone who can share and agree to your point of view. especially when yours is just plain weird.

nah. but most of the time, the latter has higher chance of occurance. i dont get it why they are so bitter of each other when they are actually so similar in so many ways. because there can only be one King of the Jungle? this will be especially so when coincidently, their common characteristic is being strong headed. they feel so unique about them-self that neither of them like having a 'twin' around. no, they cant even take it. not even sit back and heck about it.

opposites just attract.

(man, i dont even know why i talked about that =/)

you better be alright. my whole mind has been constantly working around you.

after being squashed all the way from tanjong pagar to jurong east, there was finally some space for comfort in train. then i was greeted by quite a pretty scene.

some sort of sunset. it feels as if the sun has absorbed all the energy. the sky is such a contrast to the dull ground. the clouds were beautiful. nature is so appealing.

it is times like this, which makes me feel like living in the countryside. refreshing, isnt it? (:

tonight, i walked home again. i realise my path home is getting shorter. maybe it is a reflection path. i am so occupied with all thoughts that nothing on the road can attract a tiny bit of attention from me. and there are increasingly more things getting up in mind.

not exactly a good or bad thing. but just that, i think i am too matured in certain aspect. or maybe stubbon in some thinking.

i worry for everyone. above all, you.

on second thought,
i am just guessing that i am happy.

but dont doubt.
when i smile, it is real(:

when i dont, i am just tired.

haaaaaaaaaaaa~

this is random. but i actually realise it hurts to see old aged cleaners clearing after our mess =/ just imagine they are our own grandparents. im glad mine are able to support themselves with a little of my parents' financial help. it is like so xin ku for them to bend down here and there to do the cleaning. and to think that, those horrible mess and rubbish are made by people like us, who are much younger, physically better off and seems like we have nothing to do than to dirty the place. well... shouldnt we be guilty? inconsiderates should be kind-er and stop ordering them around as if you are really paying them. boo. just that recently, im really tempted to help this old man to mob the floor. i thought of how weak my grandparents are, then i feel he is too.

i dont know. maybe they need the job for a living / they are happier with work to do.

and of cos, my heart is only with those old aged who are not grumby and do not anyhow scold/curse strangers. haha. i feel so suay and mo ming qi miao to be pinpointed at for nothing.

work @ 8RR is ending soon.
i just wish my pay will arrive sound and safe in the beginning of next month. regarding new job... shrugs. i think i am running out of luck for opportunities.

in fact, i am running out of luck for many things.

how about running low and keeping silent? will you give me a chance to lead a much peaceful and simple life with you? all i want is the both of us to achieve our own dreams together, with you and me side by side.

it is going to be a long way down.

yea. somehow im too tired by those intangibles in life.

love, satisfaction, contentment...

didnt you realise that none can be fulfilled? then why is everybody so siao in trying to be loved, satisfied and contented? how self deceiving.

humans are complicated creatures. or more likely, very selfish ones. everyone wants the best for themself. how can there be no loser in a game? cruel. we are actually hurting each other so much as we try so hard to achieve something for ourselves.

it is just a generalisation. not referring to any aspect of my dull life.
in anyway, dull is good. it equates to simple which again, equate to something good in my point of view.

just quite upsetting to see how people around me are trying so hard (which includes giving up principles of life) in getting something, which doesnt worth much.

i wish i am not one.
but the line is blurred, i think i am falling into it.

some fingers may be pointing at me. for being sucha workaholic and ya, something else.

job = money (tangible)
i am not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. i guess it is just some cheap metal. but im not complaining. at least it is usable, isnt it? ha... so i work to support myself. i am officially on my own for my expenses. till my next level of education comes in, i think.

talked to chongchong yesterday. i think we both grew up, and are still growing up.
anyway, work hard, shop hard~ (i still cant believe that the both of us gave up dinner for shopping!)

J: eh... you haven eat hor?
C: eh... nope. u too?
J: yep. and i think by the time we shop finish, those food place close liao.
C: ya...
(totally distracted by everything in topshop)
C: BUT by the time we eat finish, all shops close liao!
C & J: wahhh... CANNOT! shop first shop first~

haha. deprived ladies!

another matter.

if anyone was to ask me how much i love you.
lets just say, i am willing to die for you.

like in drama, how the (supporting) female actress uses her body to block off the gun bullet for the main actor. it doesnt matter even if she is only a supporting actress... though she is going to be forgotten after death and the mains are just gonna be together in the end.

because the only thought in that situation is that,
she wants him to live.

love is simple.
it is supposed to be a one-to-one function.

neither do i want it...
tell me that i will not be disappointed again.

ps. despite all, i feel happy (:

arrr wuuu... my eyes are tired. i think i should pay more attention to eyecare now. which refers to maintaining my eyesight and also the look of my eyes. i dont want to age so fast mannn...

workload is starting to pile up. im not complaining cos im starting to see glimpse of fruits of my labours. quite an achievement hur. organising information of hundreds merchants into excel sheets and also cropping hundreds of pictures, to generate a website. bleh. though im neither the programmer nor the designer. haha... but still, it is self satisfying to be part of the team.

hmm... i am starting to recall what have i been doing. like why the hell im constantly feeling tired =/

ever since i started working (which was 3days after my alevels ended)

-up to date, i have earned 2k +.
yet i have not satisfied my materialistic desires. i feel as though my pocket has holes! infinity outflow of money! besides my daily expenses (main contributor: food, both junk and good!), entertainments, i have to pay for my hp bills. pure torture to see the dollar amount in my bank account dashing down. well... it makes me feel a little more independent. like i only have myself to answer to for my own spending.

-i have only spent one weekend at home.
gee. which was last weekend and i tried tidying up my whole house. but SHEESH~ it is messy again.

-i have a few dates with rv bandmates!
but have not catch up with other beautiful souls from rv =/ blames to poor time management.

-i have watched a pathetic number of 3 movies.
or was it 4 or 2? haiyah. dont remember (=. =)~

-i had only one kbox session.
but it was fuuuunnnn! with chongchong n fellowdespo~ we realised how outdated we are. have no idea how all the new songs sound like. haha. but nvm, we love old songs. heh~

-i have been trying to keep myself sane... saint.
eh yep. im glad i have work to keep me occupied.

-and i have not done...
ALOT.

pfft! then why am i so tired. sheeeesh~

lao niang @ work. so shall roll back to it(:

we grew up together.
for every stage of your life, i wish i played a part.
i wish you remember...

(nvm, im feeling sore.)

you know you arent feeling really great / lost the demure way of phrasing things when...

you keep typing madam as MADAMN MADAMN MADAMN

sheesh. ohwell. registered and deep-rooted. heh :b

i see how others love to express their happiness
which unfortunately, i dont share.

but
im keeping my cool(:
dont worry. the green monster isnt acting up.

i am sensible and i understand these are unnecessary.

<3

stained . strained

i am letting myself off this time,

and that is the end.

i had soooo much fun during chalet this time round x) whens the last time i stuff myself with all bbq food (regardless of fats/oilyskin/uncooked) despite having a sorethroat? heh. and ohya, the sorethroat was due to crazy screams and shoutings. i wonder how i got so high. and and and whens the last time i let myself out in the sun and get burnt?! wild wild wet n escape were fun and shiok. satisfying enough for me :D just the chance to let myself loose a little. have been so tied up with all the bumps in the beginning of this year. appreciate all the silly kids who were there <3 05s78

-

well well. changed a job. for a very obvious reason. much better pay(x

and unexpected goodies~ sitwholedaylong.usecomputerasiwork.nosupervision.flexibleworkinghours.noattirerestriction.andimsurethelistcarriesonlikedonandonandonandon~

yep. i can choose to look like a crazy woman there. with messy hair, torn tee, shorts and slippers. just doesnt matter man. woooooo.

but i wish i can interact a little better with my colleague.

-

if you have been there with me all along, you should have realised a crazy bitch is beside you. i cant help but to admit how stupidly mad i have been. siao. there is this freaking nerve at the bad of my cracked pea brain which wriggle like a evil worm now and then. then it triggles off all the rubbish thoughts.

just like how a siao old woman went around pointing at strangers and started whining for no good reason.

yep, absolutely mentally unstable.

i am scaring myself.

bless me.

-

i am just waiting for my own death.

look at the frozen rose. can i cry?

unexpected. unbelievable. undeniable.

he was once that man i looked up to. but not anymore. he dashed many hopes as he made this very cruel decision. how did it turn out this way? was there not enough love to carry everything on? i thought all along it is about committing and compromising? how difficult. everything isnt as simple as what i have in mind.

perhaps, it is time to see what is life all about again.

we arent v closely related but the disappointment is great enough. it hurts to see others fall. breakdowns breakdowns and more breakdowns. im so sorry to know about all these.

now, im losing faith.

i should be glad. at least i have everything good to start with.

ps. i never like changes.

im sick of random small bicycles and slightlybigger motorcars hitting me off the track of life. i think i am just going to find some gigantic trucks to knock me over. be sure that i will have my last fulfilling breath. i need to die.

either here or there. i dont need a fence to sit on. amibiguity is an irritant.

shall do new year post soon. i realise it is quite important to make some effort to recap and recall what happened in the previous year as u moved into another. and resolutions, yesyes, please at least give a slight thought about them. a rough idea will at least direct u somewhere.

why do we have to go through life? we could have just die whenever we make mistake or meet up with difficulty. but ya, we have to live on, because we learn as we experience. for every step and every decision, dont make the same mistake twice. it is a shame and it is gonna hurt everyone around, and of cos, u, urself especially.

tt is how much i cant handle everything. i am a huge disappointment.

and a mistake. (i (and my family) know what i mean.)

just tell me how ~~special~~ different i am. plain jane indeed. i am running so low of confidence. quadding there so lonely at a corner, hoping u will come by and pick me up some day. the fact is, my heart has never left, i am still longing so much for ur soul.

i am an old woman, nothing like a spicy ginger. totally unattractive and dull. any new fresh vegetable will be able to kick me off the corner. easily.

i am totally so afraid to lose anything i own. but, although my everything isnt sth i own, that is my ultimate fear of loss. just because, he is really my everything.

my grandma is so sweet to send me holidays for this new year. but i really dont need it, ah ma. i rather have a little more time to touch and feel u once again. please take good care of urself up there. and ah gong too!

the guilt is there for negligence. for not spending time with her when i am able to.

i realise how much it hurts to see strong adults tear. as all the chantings were going on, pictures must have flashed through. years of memories, she was the one who watched u through ur life. i can never feel the slightest of their pain of losing their one and only.

i can only hug daddy and mummy. just hope i can hold them through.

pa pae, i love u(: and of cos, ur dearest mother, my ah ma~

emotions are overwhelming. i just feel like emptying myself. ending life is an option. and seems like the only one.

unless i make myself worthwhile.

but, like how? dots.